Operation Holding Jacob

So, I am sitting here with a bit of back ache.. Just woke up, at 8:30AM on my 2nd day off.. I am thinking about my grandson and how it hurts my back just a touch when I pick him up... I am also reading this book called "Get Motivated" by Tamara Lowe and it talks about getting involved in a group of people to help you on your journey...

So, I want to start this sit up push up thing as it would do two things... One, get my back in shape and also help my posture. Not a bad combination.

So, today,,,, I promise you and myself, I start.. ON PUSH UP, ONE SIT UP.... That is all. Just that.. Get down on the floor and do the exercise... I need your help here!

Although I have been in ABQ for about two months, I do not have a network of friends out here... I have a few friends but not the network of support I had in Cali... So, help me if you would! Just a little nudge! Help me Cali Friends and anyone reading this!!!

It must be morning....

So, it must be morning cause the dogs are making some noise, my nose is stuffed up and I am groggy.... "I am awake,,, I am awake" I say to myself out loud just to make sure it's true.. Another allergy laden day in ABQ.. Today I call a doctor..

One of my nostrils hurts.. I don't even have to touch it! It just hurts...Guess it is tired of being stuffed up and is rebelling...

So this is my work out, weight lost log... Today I will walk doggies.. Today I will do the first one push up and one sit up.. Today I will.... CALL THE F#@##ing doctor...

Today will be a nice day here. Oh yeah. Someone suggested Clariton. I will try that too. What the hell! About now, I will try nose removal!!!

So, I know this has been VERY interesting... YEAH!! Off to start my day...

"If Only" and "The Downers"

So, I saw a movie yesterday. Does not really matter which one. At the end of movies I sometimes get depressed. I think about the times gone bye, what I could have done, what I could have been...

I thought about it last night after the movie I saw and then it hit me.. (BONK) So, am I what I want to be? If I wanted to be something different couldn't I? Have I ever really not accomplished anything I set my heart out to do???

But, why do I get down after a movie? I know why... It reminds me of my past, my distant past. When I was younger I used to get picked on a lot at school. The only times when I was not picked on was when I was alone or someone in the family had died (Which happened a lot more than once)... Being sad was comforting, safe. I knew if I was sad, or alone I was not going to be embarrassed, picked on, bothered. It was my own private fantasy zone of being someone else, anywhere else.

So after movies that remind me of my childhood or of very wealthy, strong, etc people, places, I get the "could have been's" If only, I could have, if only I, if only...

I "if only" all over myself....

The thing is, I could just as easily walk out of movies happy and enjoying the fact that I am alive..
Yeah..

But to do that I had to really come to grips with the fact that the downers where actually a life saver for me when I was younger. It was comforting and safe and a place to hide... I almost became invisible... So in order to not have to do that know, I had to acknowledge that at a younger place and time that was something that worked and honestly was probably healthy for me!

Now that I am older, I am what I want to be. I am happily married, have an awesome family (Daughter, son-in-law, grandson) and I really enjoy my job. (Even get a fun car to drive!)

So, although "The Downers" worked for me when I was younger, they don't help me now. As a matter of fact they keep me from the right I have to enjoy the now. So by acknowledging that "the downers" helped me when I was younger, I can now let them go as they are not helping me now. I am older, wiser and able to stand up for myself. My world is not the same one as it was as a child. I am not the little boy with out a dad anymore. I am not shy, afraid of speaking my mind, just being me.

If I wanted to be wealthier I would be.. And I say wealthier because I am wealthy. I have everything I want and really need... Everything...

So, last night was a good one for me. I was able to work through some feelings that keep popping up and understand them and then move on....... And this morning I walked the dogs and took care of them and myself.... Probably not the last time they will come up but next time I can deal with them and enjoy myself..

Something done

OK, so I did not do sit ups or push ups.. BUT I did walk the dogs tonight and took them to the dog park this morning.... That is something!!


I am reading this book called "Get Motivated" by Tamara Lowe and so far, I am liking it. I was reading it before and put it down then picked it up and am reading some more and liking it more and I want to get those concepts into reality.. (Always the hard part for me...) So, slowly, I am adjusting..

Having the dogs here makes a big difference! I love them so much!!!