"If Only" and "The Downers"

So, I saw a movie yesterday. Does not really matter which one. At the end of movies I sometimes get depressed. I think about the times gone bye, what I could have done, what I could have been...

I thought about it last night after the movie I saw and then it hit me.. (BONK) So, am I what I want to be? If I wanted to be something different couldn't I? Have I ever really not accomplished anything I set my heart out to do???

But, why do I get down after a movie? I know why... It reminds me of my past, my distant past. When I was younger I used to get picked on a lot at school. The only times when I was not picked on was when I was alone or someone in the family had died (Which happened a lot more than once)... Being sad was comforting, safe. I knew if I was sad, or alone I was not going to be embarrassed, picked on, bothered. It was my own private fantasy zone of being someone else, anywhere else.

So after movies that remind me of my childhood or of very wealthy, strong, etc people, places, I get the "could have been's" If only, I could have, if only I, if only...

I "if only" all over myself....

The thing is, I could just as easily walk out of movies happy and enjoying the fact that I am alive..
Yeah..

But to do that I had to really come to grips with the fact that the downers where actually a life saver for me when I was younger. It was comforting and safe and a place to hide... I almost became invisible... So in order to not have to do that know, I had to acknowledge that at a younger place and time that was something that worked and honestly was probably healthy for me!

Now that I am older, I am what I want to be. I am happily married, have an awesome family (Daughter, son-in-law, grandson) and I really enjoy my job. (Even get a fun car to drive!)

So, although "The Downers" worked for me when I was younger, they don't help me now. As a matter of fact they keep me from the right I have to enjoy the now. So by acknowledging that "the downers" helped me when I was younger, I can now let them go as they are not helping me now. I am older, wiser and able to stand up for myself. My world is not the same one as it was as a child. I am not the little boy with out a dad anymore. I am not shy, afraid of speaking my mind, just being me.

If I wanted to be wealthier I would be.. And I say wealthier because I am wealthy. I have everything I want and really need... Everything...

So, last night was a good one for me. I was able to work through some feelings that keep popping up and understand them and then move on....... And this morning I walked the dogs and took care of them and myself.... Probably not the last time they will come up but next time I can deal with them and enjoy myself..